Update on Lou

it's been awhile since i sat down and updated on lou's case, so i thought i would take this opportunity while the girls are quietly watching a movie to do so.

lou's permanency hearing is in 4 weeks. FOUR WEEKS. that just doesn't seem right. in four weeks, she could be gone. completely. what will that look like? i'm still not sure. i can't imagine our house without her in it.

i've been dealing with some really odd emotions. most days, she is so overwhelming that i'm counting the days until she leaves. but then, i correct myself and see that her ISSUES are so overwhelming, not her. SHE is a very sweet, creative, respectful and thoughtful little girl and there's nothing not to love. her ISSUES, however, make her paranoid, argumentative, morbid and disrespectful. it's so hard to separate the two and see beyond who she is as a person without all of the garbage heaped upon her by her circumstances. even so, when it comes right down to it, i'm going to miss her.

i feel like she's my daughter -- i will ache at missing those milestones, birthdays, everyday laughter. at the same time, however, i don't feel at all that she belongs in my house. she belongs with her father, with her family. i know this. i feel this. i feel like the right choice is for my daughter to belong with another family. it's so odd.

of course, to complicate matters, it won't be as easy as "go-to-hearing-and-lou-goes-home." of course not. bio mom, knowing full well how the hearing will go, has hired an attorney to contest bio dad's custody. i am completely dismayed at this. she's only thinking of herself, not of lou. and i know that's the situation in so many foster care cases around the country, but i still wish it wasn't. bio mom is determined that bio dad will NOT get lou. when with bio dad, lou will be on the other side of the country, away from all possibility of contact with her abuser, with a huge support system in the way of paternal extended family, and brothers and sisters. she will be surrounded by family constantly. however, HERE, bio mom has a touch-and-go relationship with the abuser, it's very possible that lou will have to be in the company of her abuser again, she will be in daycare while bio mom works and they have no other family here at all. bio mom doesn't even really have any friends. why can't she see what everyone else sees and let lou go? i'm not saying this flippantly, i know it's hard, but lou has been in care for almost a year, and this is her second time in a year and half. bio mom's had time to get used to the idea and it's not like it wasn't expected.

*sigh*.... i could rant about this for awhile.

anyway, i've gone on amazon and ordered all of lou's favortie movies and cd's that she listens to at our house. i'm beginning to organize all of her toys that she's accumulated here over christmas and birthday, and i'm making notes for bio dad.

seriously, though -- four weeks away. my goodness.