I. Am. Stressed. Out.

we woke up this morning to frozen water pipes. completely frozen. we think we know where the problem is and we're working on fixing it, but for right now, none of the faucets work, we can't flush the toilet, etc.

this makes me angry. as if my house wasn't already a mess, i now can't do my dishes, do laundry, etc.

i have many things to do before we leave for kentucky on thursday that are compeltely on my shoulders. hence, the messy house.

it's driving me crazy.

and now, no water.

continuing to drive me crazy.

i knew that i was in no state to be civil, so i sent the kids to their rooms to play this morning until i got breakfast ready in order to avoid the inevitable meltdown. from me. it just so happens that i have a certain five-year-old who, much like her mother, refuses to listen to reason most times and resists what she doesn't understand. like, 'why do we have to be in our rooms unless we're in trouble?' she followed me around the house asking 'why? why? why? why?' and i totally yelled at her.

like bigtime.

like, the inevitable meltdown. from me.

needless to say, i feel like a pile of crap of right now and pretty much the worst mom ever. so i apologize and tell her that i'm not really mad at her, it's not her fault, i'm stressed out b/c of the water, etc. and she's awesome, says "thank you for apologizing, mom" and goes back to her room.

and then, i hear her singing a song. she sings nearly nonstop as it is, but the song she was singing was God gently reminding me of something very important:

Give thanks, Give thanks, with a happy heart.
Give thanks, Give thanks, with a happy heart.
God has given us all we need.
With thanksgiving, sing with me...
Give thanks, Give thanks, with a happy heart.

and, again, i am shamed by my shortsightedness and unwillingness to see how blessed i truly am. and that there are millions upon millions of people whose daily lives embody this crisis, and i've been without water for two hours.

*sigh*

God must love me a lot to tolerate me like he does.

Shirt Re-Fashion for Shiloh

i thought i'd share this "upcycle" that i did last night. i was going through my closet and realized that i NEVER wear this shirt. it's made of pretty nice material, it's a decent design, it just doesn't fit me quite right and it's a little uncomfortable. soooo, i decided to give it a new life as a dress for shiloh.



she wore it to church this morning.

i trimmed some off of the sides and separated the bust from the bottom of the shirt to get rid of any bunches. then, i sewed them back together. next, i sewed the two overlapping bust pieces together so they wouldn't gap (and wouldn't be indecent!). because the material was so stretchy, after i re-connected the top and bottom sections, the fabric still looked sort of stretched in places and bunched, so i added a belt made from some scrap brown fabric i found in my stash. i tacked it in the center back and tied it on loosely, so that it hung down a little bit, but gathered all of the extra bunches that were a little unseemly (or unseAmly -- get it? hah! yeah, okay, i'm corny.).

anyhoo, she liked it quite a bit and had no problem posing for the camera in her new dress.




it's been awhile since i've sewn, and now i've caught the bug again. i'm going to go through my closet and "give-away" piles and see what else i can refashion. :o)

Wha....?

this is sort of craziness, i think, and i am waaaaay confused.

okay, so i got a call today from my licensing worker. she had discovered that i had a blog and that there was some inappropriate information on it.

let me just say, first, that i love my licensing worker (especially now that she reads my blog! ...... i'm just kidding -- i think tricia is awesome regardless of whether or not she reads my blog!). and i'm not upset at her in any way over any of this. she and i had the same understanding before all of this came about, but apparently we were mistaken. blah.

a person whom i came across in the foster care system requested to be a friend of mine on facebook. i confirmed it. on my facebook page she saw a link to my personal blog. she went to it. apparently, she was very displeased with what she read and called my foster care agency to complain!!

i've had to remove two posts that contained obscure references to my current and past placements.

now, i WILL admit that i had, some months ago, posted a very funny picture of a baby we had in our care, without thinking much about it. i shouldn't have, i realized my mistake, and i removed it as soon as i became aware that it was still up.

then, i get a call back again later today that says not only was THAT the issue, but that this person was upset that i wrote in another post about receiving placements as well as their ages. .... yeah.

so, now i'm not supposed to even mention that i'm a foster parent? ever? am i never allowed to say that i have 4, 5, 6 kids in my home? am i never allowed to mention that shiloh had fun playing with "so and so" today? am i never allowed to suggest that i'm tired from staying up all night with a ghost baby that lives in my house? please!!

foster parenting is a MAJOR part of my life! how on earth am i supposed to "hide" it?

i mean, whatever. it's just a blog post. i'll take it down, fine. but i specifically asked this question when i was in my licensing classes b/c my husband and i are both bloggers, albeit inconsistently. we had a personal blog at the time where we shared photos with our out-of-state family and friends and wondered how that would work with foster children. the workers' answer was that we were not allowed to post pictures or use real/full names, for obvious reasons. completely understand.

which is why this is so irritating! i love being a foster parent. i go to every team meeting, every court date, transport to every visit for every one of my placements, and i'm going to get in trouble over this?! there are people out there who stick their foster kids in the barn to sleep (for real!!) and i'm going to get in trouble over this?!

i'm not the only blogger to discuss foster parenting, by the way. i have many blogs on my blogroll in many different areas of the country where they discuss specific cases, use names, and some are even so bold as to post pictures. *gasp* i'm not going to name them here b/c i don't want someone going to their page and causing a stink in their lives like this has caused in mine.

so frustrating. if they ask me to remove a picture or name, i understand. i send many pictures of our kids to friends and family via email and our blog and it may happen accidentally. i have no issue whatsoever with removing any inappropriate confidential information. but to go so far as to say that you're upset that i even mention that i'm a foster parent....?

so, anyway. in this hypothetical world, i'm a hypothetical foster parent and will be going now to make dinner for my hypothetical foster children, in addition to my one biological child, who apparently is the only one that's worth mentioning.

(p.s. -- i'm sure i'll come back and apologize tomorrow for the rant, but for today, i feel it's justified. i'm just a little miffed.)

Success!!!

I made soap!! okay, well, i didn't really make soap. i made the melt-and-pour kind, where you buy the base already made, then you melt in down, add your own fragrances and colorant, and put it into the mold of your choice. but, still! a few hours ago, there was no orange soap in my house, and now there is! i made soap! :o)

if you think you're seeing things in the soap, it's because you are. i thought it would be weird to put things in the soap as it was hardening, just to see it what it would look like. not sure why. i rummaged around in the kids' toys and found a few very small things that they would never miss (until they see them in the soap!) to put in there. i used way too much fragrance and colorant, though, so i'll need to scale that back next time.

i've got some lye, shortening, and everything else i need to make the REAL kind of soap, though, that needs to cure and set and that will burn your skin off while you're making it if you're not careful. i have a recipe that supposed to produce this really rich, creamy, soap that you can use for the shower. i'm interested to see how that goes!

second thing i made today -- quilt and pillow for shiloh. in the st louis area, it takes fifty years to get to wherever you're going, it seems. you can't just "run out to the store" and grab a thing or two, you'll be gone for half an hour, at least! the kids are always wanting to take pillows and blankets in the van, then they leave them in the van, then they don't have pillows and blankets inside to use, then they find some more, then the next time we leave, they want to take more pillows and blankets in the van... it's a vicious cycle. so, i'm making them both pillows and quilts that STAY.IN. THE.VAN.

i let them choose their fabric. i LOVE this cool flower print that shiloh chose.


(sorry about the lighting -- it looked much better through my camera!)

closer look at the fabric:

and shiloh refused to pass up an opportunity to have her picture taken, of course:


tyler's is a fighter-jet print with a black backing. i'm still learning as far as quilting goes. with shiloh's, and her friend katelyn's that i did awhile back, i did a super-easy wavy line to quilt the front, batting, and back together. i'm going to try a diamond patterned quilt with tyler's. we'll see. i haven't yet ventured into the quilt piecing and designing or anything, yet, though. i just learned how to make mitred corners (although, they're not even really mitred, just made to look that way!).

anyhoo, i'll get better. it was a fun day of making things, though! :o)

LIke Dandelion Dust

i was sort of speechless when i saw this trailer. it's an important movie, i think, and i hope that it captures the real experience. while we haven't been through an adoption yet, we're intimately familiar with the social care system and how warped it can be.




i'm dying to see it, but a little freaked out to see it, too, b/c i know i'll feel nervous and be all emotional. what do you think?

Spirited Shiloh?

So, today, I was reading Always and Forever Family, and I came across this excerpt from the book Raising Your Spirited Child. I read over the broad characteristics of a "spirited child," and went to amazon.com and bought the book immediately. (note that in the above picture, i caught her jumping around on the furniture, so she's in mid-air, signing 'i love you' at me).

1. 
   

1. Intensity:
   The loud, dramatic spirited children are the easiest to spot. The don't cry, they shriek. They're noisy when they play.
   But quiet, intently observant children may also be spirited. They assess each situation before entering it as though developing a strategy for every move; their intensity is focused inward rather than outward.
2. Persistence:
   If an idea or an activity is important to them, spirited children can "lock" right in. Getting them to change their minds is a major undertaking. They love to debate and are not afraid to assert themselves.
3. Sensitivity:
   Quickly respond to the slightest noises, smells, lights, textures, or changes in mood. They are easily overwhelmed in crowds by the barrage of sensations.
   Every sensation and emotion is absorbed by them, including your feelings. They'll tell you that you are having a rotten day before you realize it yourself and even scream and sulk for you.
4. Perceptiveness:
   Send them to their room to get dressed and they'll never make it. Something along the way will catch their attention as they walk by and they'll forget about getting dressed. They notice everything - the latest oil spill, the white feather in the bird's nest, and the dew in the spiderweb. They're often accused of not listening.
5. Adaptability:
   Spirited children are uncomfortable with change. They hate surprises and do not shift easily from one activity or idea to another.

These are the common characteristics of spirited children but there are another 4 characteristics that are "bonus" characteristics.

1. Regularity:
   Figuring out when they will sleep or eat is a daily puzzle for parents of spirited kids who are irregular. It seems impossible to get them on to any kind of schedule. An eight-hour night of undisturbed sleep is a mere memory lingering in your mind from the days before their birth.
2. Energy:
   Not all spirited kids are climbers and leapers. But they do tend to be busy - taking things apart, exploring, and creating projects - from the time they wake up until they finally fall asleep.
3. First Reaction:
   A quick withdrawal from anything new is typical of many spirited kids. Any unfamiliar idea, thing, place, or person may be met with a vehement no. They need time to warm up before they're ready to participate.
4. Mood:
   The world is a serious place for some spirited kids. They're analytical, picking apart experiences, finding the flaws, and making suggestions for change. Their smiles are few and far between and they may be prone to whining.

The "Bonus" characteristics are not common to all spirited kids, but if your child possesses any of them you will need to be even more enterprising. You're not only living with a child who is more, but you're also faced with the exhaustion of life with a kid who is energetic, needs little sleep, expresses a strong resistance to new situations and things, and shares fewer rewarding smiles.

Really, Shiloh is an incredibly happy child and smiles a lot. I get a LOT of rewarding smiles, so I don't think that really applies. But every other characteristic, though, describes my little girl. I know that I, myself, was a spirited child and that Shiloh has my exact personality with her dad's spazoid-ness thrown in. And while it certainly doesn't make me love her any differently or less, for goodness sake, I truly believe that spirited children are more difficult to parent that their counterparts.

I'm excited to read this book.

In other news, Rick is en route to Nashville, TN right now for another week of training. He'll be gone til Saturday afternoon, be home that night and leave Sunday afternoon for CA for yet another week of training. I'm so glad that he's learning more about what he loves, but i'm also looking forward to when he's done and we can finally settle in for the school year.

Anyhoo, here's another look at my spirited child:


love.her. and those smiles really are the best. :o)

not been up to much...

...just doin' summer-y things. :o) this summer, we've gone swimming A LOT. everyone is super tan, especially shiloh, who never seems to burn! we've been camping, to a water park, to kentucky, on hikes, done tons of coloring and painting, and let's not forget the old' faithful, McDonald's playland, for those rainy days. :o)

we've enjoyed the summer off from accepting new placements, but are now back to taking in more. we've added our name back to "the list" and listed our vacancies, and we'll see what happens! i wouldn't expect any calls until the beginning of the month, though. still praying for that special child(ren) to come up for adoption, though. we've let all the social workers that we know aware that we're looking to adopt, and we're just waiting for God's timing. while we have no problems at all with international adoption, we just feel wrong every time we look into it. nevermind the financial issue -- if God's will was for us to adopt internationally, he would make a way -- it's just that every time we try to forge ahead with a "plan" to seek out adoption, we feel God gently pushing us back, telling us to wait. but waiting is so hard!! ah, well. He knows best. in the meantime, we'll just keep doing what He's called us to, and take in children as they come, helping them get back to their families. we're getting pretty good at it by now, i think! and i think shiloh is starting to understand it better, although she definitely longs for a permanent sibling. *sigh*...

anyhoo, that's that. here's some pictures taken over the last couple of weeks. our other kids, tyler and rachel, aren't in these b/c we can't post pictures of them publicly while they're still in state custody. rachel is gearing up to go home within the next few weeks, and we're still not sure how long tyler will be with us. his case keeps dragging on...

first of all, here's shiloh at an impromptu photo shoot i did with the kids at a local park. they all looked so cute one day, that i couldn't pass it up! shiloh wouldn't stop laughing, though!



shiloh and i on the back deck. i was taking some pictures of tyler's new haircut, and of course, shiloh couldn't be left out. she wanted to take a picture of us both:





okay, not sure if you'll be able to see them or not, but there are two teeny tiny frogs in there. at the beginning of the summer, we left for the weekend and came home to about three hundred tadpoles that had hatched in our pool. we kept some and watched them turn into frogs. they've got an actual mini terrarium-type thing now, but this was our makeshift one until we got to the store. they literally sprouted legs overnight! the picture is sort of sideways and it's blurry -- sorry! there's one stuck on the right side, near the top and a little green one sitting on that big rock in the middle. they're still only about a half inch long! the kids had a good time going out back and finding rocks for them. :o)





rachel and lump. just thought this was funny. i can post it b/c rachel's face isn't showing. the reason i took a picture is b/c , as spastic as lump is, he actually let her cover him up with a blanket! i took three or four pictures before he moved. he must have been really tired or something... (notice the baby is walking in shiloh's dress-up high-heels. diva in the making...)


...wonder where she gets it? :o) here's shiloh dressed up in snow white the other day. she had to dress up her dog. that dog is actually my dog that my mom got me from Build-A-Bear. when rick and i got married, we had a beagle named Penny Lane, so mom got me this, and I loved it. I soon discovered Mom's odd sense of humor, though, when I pressed its paw, expected a beagle bay, and heard a cow moo instead! she thought it was hilarious! weird.... ;o)

this is our current beagle, Ruby, in "her" spot in front of the window. she likes it b/c the afternoon sun comes in and makes that spot all nice and warm. :o)

all righty, that's it for now. the kids are chasing each other around downstairs with a giant orange bouncy ball, our licensing worker just left after a home visit, the baby just woke up, the dogs need to go out, and i need to leave to pick rick up from work! gotta get! :o)

okay, first up is shiloh's dance recital. we signed her up for a combination class of tap, ballet, and gymnastics. she liked the gymnastics, but LOVED the dance part better. every week she would look forward to it. i have to say, if you want to witness pure comedy, sit in on a 3-4 yr-old dance class. i have never laughed so hard as i have watching the antics of these girls as they try to learn such sophisticated maneuvers as an "arabesque" and "releve." hah!

(i'll also add that i forgot my camera and we used rick's phone to take all of these pictues, so the quality is not the best. sorry! we remembered the camcorder, though -- can't win 'em all... )

the first picture is shiloh with one of her dance instructors, Miss Megan. (incidentally, they were both named Miss Megan and you never knew which one she was talking about!)


you'll notice that shiloh is the only one wearing a different costume. i'll admit, it's because i'm cheap. the total cost of the costume (tutu, hair bow, leg warmers and leotard) was $60. $60!!!! no way. i made her tutu, buying the tulle and elastic waistband for $8; bought the leotard at walmart for $8; took some of the tulle i used for the tutu and wrapped it around a hair tie we already had for her hair decoration; and knit the legwarmers myself with yarn i already had at home. $16 vs $60. and i like shiloh's tutu better, anyway!! the one they would have had you buy was teeny and flimsy! anyhoo, there's my rant about how expensive dance gear is, but i suppose i had better get used to it -- i have a feeling this is going to be a regular thing!

shiloh with the other girls in her dance class. the one on the far left is josephine, who refused to wear the tutu or the legwarmers, so i didn't feel so bad that shiloh didn't completely match! one other girl took off her tutu after the tap routine, too. don't they look so cute?!

performing their ballet routine. we had sort of an awkward spot. we couldn't get directly in front of them because all of the seats were taken, so we got this spot, and shiloh was on the other end of the line! ah, well. still got some good pictures. :o)



shiloh after her ballet routine:


hah! this is so funny! i was pretty much just taking a picture of her booty, but this was her demonstrating what she had learned on the uneven bars. we had some more pictures of her doing turns and balancing routines on the balance beam, but those didn't turn out. :o( this one was so funny, too, b/c one of the things they wanted the girls to do was to do a forward roll off of the low bar. they were supposed to balance themselves up on a front support, do a forward roll, and land on their feet. shiloh can do it, but for whatever reason, did NOT want to do it that day. when they called her up to do her routine, she took about two minutes explaining to the teacher everything that she would and would NOT do, making sure the teacher understood what would be happening. it was so hilarious!

ta-da!!


all the girls after having gotten their medals. i'm crippled by the cuteness!!! shiloh had learned in gymnastics that when you're performing and you do a routine, you always end with your arms in the air. so, she kept her arms in the air for this entire part of the ceremony. :o)

"yay me!!"
and that's it for that. she looooooved it. we're planning on joining the YMCA this summer and enrolling her in a dance class there. that way, tyler can take classes, too. we definitely want to continue with dance; it was a big hit and she's pretty good at it!


next up, we shaved dallas. we did. seriously. all the way down, no hair left. as he's getting older (he's 11 now), he's getting allergies and his skin is getting nasty where he chews hot spots on himself all the time. his coat is always stinky and he was always hot. he really needed to be shaved. rick has told me this for a long time, but i've always resisted. finally, though, after camping this past weekend, i finally saw the necessity of it, and we did it. our friends larry and cheryl have some professional dog-cutting tools and brought them over yesterday. it took about an hour and half. he looks so silly and weird! every time we look at him, we can't help but say "poor dallas," although i think he sort of likes it. he's got to feel better and he hasnt' been itching as much. so, here's a few pictures:

before:


during:

after:
i know it's hard to believe that it's difficult to get a picture of dallas standing up and moving around, but it was. especially after having to stand so long so we could shave him, he was exhausted and passed out. he's still heavier than he needs to be, but i was surprised at how much of his size really was that huge coat of hair! shiloh cried when she saw him afterwards. she just kept saying "but how can i love him now? he doesn't look like my friend dallas any more!!" it was sad and pretty funny at the same time. :o)


and lastly, i got my hair cut. pretty drastically, i think. over the past weekend, i decided that i needed to scale it back to above-shoulder length. we were on vacation, so i tried this random bargain hair cutting place. it was HORRIBLE!! she cut it way too short, above my chin, shorter than i've ever had it, and it was completely blunt and one length. a first grader could have done a better job. so, i came back home and went to my regular hair dresser, who faithfully resolved the problem. she added some layers, stacked it in the back, and made it look all around better. i like it a lot, although it's a lot different from anything else i've ever had. you can't really tell much from the picture, but i added one anyway. it's just so short!! i think i'll feel better about it in a week or two.



anyhoo, that's it for now. thanks for reading!

Doesn't she look cute?

so innocent, so sweet....?

yeah right!!! while she can definitely be all of those things, and while i love her beyond words, this child has gotten into an absolute trouble-making streak lately!! it feels like i'm pushing against a brick wall to get her to do any thing. i know that she's just testing her boundaries, exerting her independence, etc. i know. i know that she's a certifiably strong-willed child, just like her mother was, and that every day i feel more and more remorse for my own mother having raised me.

it's like her brain has been wiped clean of every rule and expectation that we've ever set. in the past two days, she has:

• repeatedly ignored my requests to stop coming/going through the back door while playing outside, eventually catching the baby's fingers in the door.
  
• is screaming "NO" at me constantly.
• has come under the mistaken assumption that everything that is asked of her is up for negotiation, which she will argue ENDLESSLY
• jumped from the windowsills
• stood ON TOP OF the dog's automatic watering contraption, spilling water everywhere
• taken the popcorn seasoning and sprinkled/spread it out all over her bedspread. now her bed smells like parmesan and garlic.
• completely ignored time-outs and "breaks"
  
• locked me out of the house ON PURPOSE just so she can go to her room and poop in her pants, ignoring my banging on the door and threatening her with her life.

this is just a few of the things i've been experiencing lately. there are many, many more, but i don't have time. i didn't write this to showcase my daughter's faults, but none of them seem to make sense. i can NOT figure out how to get through to this child. i'm meeting her every challenge, but it seems like i'm in a power struggle with her every second of every day!! it's just been in the last week or so that's it's gotten SO bad, but it's constant.

i mean, not a day goes by that shiloh doesn't make me laugh, say a sweet prayer, or touch my heart with a helping and thoughtful gesture. i know she's going to be a great kid. i know this is just a season, a phase. i know this is going to pass. but that doesn't mean that i'll have any hair left by the time it does!!!

This is what happens....

...when i try to leave the kids alone for a few minutes. and i was only trying to go to the bathroom!!!




i came out of the bathroom, and this baby came crawling down the hallway.... with white hair!!! i was only gone for a few minutes!! and she was just as happy as could be!

so, i asked shiloh, "what on earth has gone on here????" thinking that maybe rae got into something that spilled on her head, or... i really don't know what else i was thinking at that point. then, shiloh started giggling her "i-did-something-i-know-i'm-not-supposed-to-and-now-you-found-out-and-i'm-nervous-about-it" giggle. so, i asked her, "did YOU do this?" i couldn't help but laugh, so she started laughing, and said that yes, she did. "what IS it??" i asked. she told me it was formula. okay, now i was mad. formula?!?! that stuff ain't cheap!! then, she showed me where it was, and it wasn't formula. it was.....

baking soda!!!!! HAH! the other night, rae had gotten up in the night throwing up and in the process of changing her, she had thrown up in our bedroom floor. we steam-cleaned it and had sprinkled baking soda over it to make sure it didn't get too stinky and also to soak up some of the remainding water from the steam cleaner. APPARENTLY, in our middle-of-the-night-pukefest stupor, we left the baking soda sitting out within shiloh-reach and she covered rae's head in it, i mean, really rubbed it in. i couldn't shake it out, trying to use a wet washcloth to wipe it off did no good b/c it just clumped up. i had to give her a full shower and use the handheld shower head to get it all out.

i mean, why on earth would shiloh be walking down the hallway and think "that's a cute baby, but what she REALLY needs is white hair!!" and then i can't believe that rae just sat there and let her do it!!

so random. so. random.