well, that's what it usually feels like, anyway. today was better, but we've been having some issues with Lou. Lou (what i've been advised i should refer to Lara from now on online) is just experiencing what every foster child experiences.trauma. every day. no matter how safe you make her, she still is traumatized. and i hate it. there's nothing i can do about what she's already experienced, i just have to build a completely new foundation. and it's really hard. really hard.
for weeks, lou has been been saying that she's going home soon, that "mom told me that she just has two classes to finish and that i'll be going home in twenty mornings." why on EARTH do the bios do this to their children?! there's no possible way that bio mom could know right now when (or even IF) lou will be coming home. and they've just switched her to to (basically) unsupervised visits, and added an hour, so we're dealing with all sorts of fun behaviors.
i know that any other foster parents out there right now reading this knows exactly what i mean, b/c it seems like almost all of the bios do this. are they hoping that if they say it enough, that it will happen? are they trying to make their child happy? are they trying to get back at the foster parents? are they just friggin delusional??
and the thing is that i'm dealing with the whole rollercoaster of it all. things seem to be going well for awhile and i'll start to get incredibly emotional attached, and then she starts acting out like this and i want her to just go to her room and stay there. all day. i don't actually do this, but it's what i want sometimes. i hate it when i can see myself making a difference b/t shiloh and lou. sometimes, though, i can't help it. sometimes, shiloh is just easier to love. isn't that awful...? just b/c a child is difficult to love doesn't mean that they don't deserve that love. i know this. but it doesn't make it any easier.
it seems like everything we do with her is two steps forward, ten steps back. we can DEFINITELY look back at the seven months that she's been with us and see a HUGE change in her behaviors, so i know that we're getting somewhere. it's just in the day-to-day that i can't see that we're making any progress at all. especially when she says things like "my mom says..." and "when i go stay with my mom..." ARG!!! i know -- i KNOW -- that we're making a difference, but it's in those moments that i need God's grace to keep me even. sometimes, i just want to scream at her that she doesn't realize how good she has it here. .... *sigh*... any other foster/adoptive parents deal with that...?
i know i'm not alone, but sometimes it feels that way. being a foster parent is such a unique experience. there's nothing else quite like it. you can try to share your struggles with your best friend of forever, but if they're not a foster parent, they just don't "get" it. we've found that unless someone asks us questions about it, we usually don't share unless we're around other people who are or who have fostered, b/c it's just too draining to explain it all. don't get me wrong -- i'm ALL about telling people about the HUUUUGE need for foster parents and giving them all of the information they need to get started. but, i guess i don't want to deal with people's shock sometimes. i don't know... maybe i'm beyond shock...? blah.
okay, end rant. this is the first of many foster care posts, though, i think. i find it very therapeutic. :o)
No comments:
Post a Comment