Courtrooms and Happy Families

I know, those two things don't tend to go hand-in-hand, do they?

Today was Lou's court date for a dispositional review hearing. Bio mom and bio dad were both expected to be in attendance (first time attendance for mom, second for dad). There were supposed to be positive reports all around. Rick was able to come with me this time, which was great. Since bio dad lives in Los Angeles, they wanted us to get there an hour early so we could give them an hour visit. My mom and aunt came in to watch Mamaw Mayme and Shiloh so Rick and I could go to court unencumbered, and this hour visit would give us time to go have a nice relaxing sit-down breakfast together ALONE before court. Not exactly ideal, but you take what you can get, right?

Now, if there are any foster parents out there reading this, I think you know what's coming next. That all sounded just a little bit too smooth, didn't it? Positive reports, alone time, unencumbered, a visit with bio dad whom she never sees.... riiiight. Next -- what ACTUALLY happened.

We left the house just a couple of minutes late, no big deal. However, about five minutes down the road we realized that we forgot to grab a Father's Day picture frame that Lou had made for her dad along with some pictures for him that we had printed out. We couldn't just not bring them -- I mean, the man lives across the country, and we all know that I'm not going to remember to mail them. So, back to the house we went. I think I did pretty well, considering that oftentimes, being late and rushing to get somewhere important is enough to send me into a panic attack. Thankfully for all involved, though, I remembered to take my good friend Lexapro and away we went, late and happy all the way to the visit.

We arrived a few minutes late, but bio dad was late as well, so I was pretty relieved. We knew that bio dad was planning on bringing his 18-month old daughter with him, as well as his mother and cousin. This is his second visit with her, as he just found out that Lou was in care in late February, and he always brings family to visit her as well. We were in the back visiting room of the office (which is a damp, gray, run-down building in the judicial district of town), and we heard the front door open. Lou was way exicited to see bio dad, and then, hushed whispers and.... silence. I felt that sinking feeling that you get when you know something's not right, and I hated to see Lou disappointed again. Instead of seeing family, we saw the social worker come in and lean over to me. "Dad's not coming today. There was a situation. I'll explain in a few minutes." O...kay. However, it wasn't a total bust. Lou's grandmother and adult cousin still came, which I thought spoke volumes of the support system waiting for her there. The grandmother can't even speak English, only Spanish, and she was still there without her son. I was very encouraged by that.

Anyway, they came in, cried, hugged Lou, gave her presents, showed her pictures, etc. And the social worker called me into the next room to say that bio dad had been detained. Apparently, when he went to get his criminal background check, there was an unpaid parking ticket from five years ago and he couldn't pay it...? So, he had to stay. Again, though, I thought it spoke VOLUMES that the extended family came anyway, even though they knew that they would only see Lou for an hour. Bio dad was devestated that he couldn't make it and called to talk to Lou after court.

Anyway, the social worker, of course, had some paperwork she had to finish up and asked if we could supervise the visit for "just a few minutes." As you might guess, a few minutes turned into half an hour and we still hadn't breakfast. So, I finally told her that we were going to have to leave and she supervised the rest. Relaxed, alone-time ended up being drive-through McDonald's and scarfing it down outside the courthouse. Blah.

After our experiment in eating at the speed of light (and feeling ALL the more gross because of it), we found out that the judges' docket got pushed back thirty minutes. More blah. So, while one of the social workers watched Lou at the office, we invited Grandma and Cousin to have a Coke with us at the Hardee's on the corner. We wanted to give them more face time with Lou and take her with us, but more time beyond the allotted one hour was not allowed.

Let me say -- I LOVED them. Every time I meet more of bio dad's family, I'm more and more convinced that it's the right place for Lou. They were very open and frank with us, which we sooooo appreciated. Rick and I are seriously not small-talk, surface-y kind of people, and I enjoyed being able to sit down and talk with them about the actual issues they're facing. They had never been in a type of environment like this one -- courts, social workers, attorneys, etc -- and we were able to sort of help them through it, answer their questions and explain it a little better. It's got to be so hard knowing that there's a member of your family out there, across the country in foster care, going through the courts, and you just have to wait it out and do what everyone tells you. I can't imagine. Well, actually, now, I kind of can.

So, we went to court together, and of course, by the time we got there, the docket had been pushed back another thirty minutes and it was nearly an hour past the original time by the time we actually got in there. Bio mom was present and very nervous. She didn't say much and they didn't say anything to her. They weren't rude or vindictive or vengeful, they just politely ignored each other.

After all that waiting, court was short, as expected. We had already agreed on everything at the Support Team meeting a couple of weeks ago, so it was just various members of the team giving their recommendations, and the judge hearing them. The attorney for the state was pretty aggressive against mom, and it was clear that she was not in favor of Lou being reunited with her. The social worker was ambivalent, and everyone else was agreeable. The judge actually called on us to speak in court, which I wasn't expecting. They've all just kind of ignored us before, giving us a sort of honorable mention and that's it. This time, however, the judge seemed to really care what we thought and asked how Lou was doing. I was careful to express that she is having some issues with the increased visitation, but that she loves seeing her mom and is otherwise thriving. She thanked us for being there, and I could tell she actually meant it. In a place where everyone is moving super fast-paced and knows where they're going and wants to get there as fast as possible (and is usually is a bad mood at that), it was nice to see her acknowledge our involvement in Lou's outcome. There are so many times when I feel like the social workers/attorneys/counselors/(insert random person assigned to Lou's case) aren't listening to us, and it was nice to have someone ask our opinion.

The official ruling -- bio dad gets unlimited, unsupervised visits whenever he's in town, mom gets two hours supervised by a designee weekly. The ICPC (Interstate Compact for the Placement of Children -- basically, checking out bio dad to make sure that he's a suitable placement for Lou) has been submitted to the state of California, and the judge set a Permanency Hearing for September.

YIKES! Has she really been with us that long that it's time for a Permanency Hearing?? At that hearing, if the ICPC is completed by that time, we're all assuming that the judge with likely rule in favor of bio dad, granting him full physical custody with bio mom having visitation as ordered. And that's in September. Jeepers. You guys know me, okay... And those that do know that I don't cry, although not for lack of trying sometimes. I will say, though, that the prospect of Lou leaving our home is incredibly sad. I want to cry because I know how right this is. I know that she belongs with her family. Rick and I are in full agreement and support of Lou going to bio dad, and are advocating for her towards that end. But not having anyone say "hey, THAT'S pretty neat!!", "shark" instead of "sharp," "slicking" instead of "slipping," those times when she slips up and calls me "Mom" instead of by my name? That's going to be hard. Shiloh will be crushed. Rick and I will be crushed. And our house will be much, much quieter.

I can't quite explain it, though; at the same time, I feel so good about this. If this actually works out, it will make me feel so great about being a foster parent. I truly do love her. We've learned so much about ourselves as parents from her and she's really a great kid. She's just not ours. And that's okay.

Bio mom was an emotional mess, as anyone would be. It's one thing to hear the allegations second-hand and be outraged, but it's another seeing that same woman face-to-face and how broken-hearted she is at the prospect of being forever separated from her only child. I hate what she allowed to happen to Lou. And I hate that she realized her mistake too late. However, God is looking at her with compassion right now, and His heart is hurting that this woman is in pain. If God, Who is perfect, can look past her mistakes and love her where she is, then I, being a fallible mess, can put away my disdain for a day and show her some kindness. I asked her how she was doing, and she broke down. I hated to see her like that and I hugged her. I could tell that she really needed it. No matter who you are or what you've done, no one wants to be in a stressful situation feeling like everyone in the room with you is against you. She held on to me for longer than I expected, and I let her. I didn't tell her that everything was going to be okay, and I didn't tell her that it was all going to work out the way she wanted and that Lou was coming home to her. What I did say, though, was the Lou loves her. I told her that no matter what happens, that she will always be Lou's mother, and that Lou will always love her. I think she was slightly embarrassed at the display of emotion on her part, but she seemed grateful that she wasn't being completely ignored and looked down upon.

I hope it's not prideful to say that I felt really good about that. Rick and I prayed outside the courtroom before we entered for all of the people involved, and I really feel like Christ was loving her through me. Sadly, He gives me those opportunities all the time, and I very rarely take them. Maybe I'll try to not to pass them up so much from now on.

The DJO (Deputy Juvenile Officer) on Lou's case extended the unlimited, unsupervised visits to Lou's family anytime they were in town, and though we offered to let them take Lou out to lunch without us, they asked us to come along. They had a lot of questions about the ruling and we explained some more. We found out that their hotel was in South County, farther from the courthouse than where even we lived, which is already almost 40 minutes away. We drove them to lunch and then to their hotel (they had gotten to court by taxi), and were able to talk a good bit on the way. It was very easygoing and there wasn't a lag in conversation at all -- nothing was forced, and I like that. I hope that they'll be agreeable to continued contact and updates with Lou, were she to be reunited with them.

We told them that anytime bio dad wanted to fly in and see her, that he was more than welcome, just to let us know in advance. We exchanged contact info and that was that.

So -- courtrooms and happy families. Awesome. :o)