I was meant to be a foster parent.

seriously. despite how stressed-out i am and all of the drama, i wouldn't be doing anything else. this time last year, i was working part-time, coordinating a church MOPS group, facilitating a women's Bible study and helping my husband lead a young marrieds sunday school class. sounds fulfilling, no? i thought it was. and shiloh was my only child. and there were no biological parents and court dates and attachment disorders and therapists and counselors and team meetings and visitation and positive redirection and hyperactivity/attention issues and mamaw mayme and alzheimer's disease.

but i can say, with absolute certainty and withOUT a doubt, that i was exponentially more stressed out then than i am now. I am so much happier now doing what I'm doing -- fostering, parenting, caring for a great-grandmother in my home, preparing to homeschool -- than I ever was playing a leadership role in church work.

Now, i don't want to imply that I think church work is unimportant -- quite the contrary, I beleive that church work and volunteerism and service is where we all need to focus a significant, if not most, of our efforts and energy. I just misunderstood my role. I know we all hear a million times that the church is "like a body, with Christ as the head, and we're all a different part of the body, and we need to plug in a do our one part really well instead of trying to do a bunch of things just so-so.." yes, i know.

but that's not how it plays out. when people get involved, they tend to want to do a little something here, a little something there, until you're the go-to person for things that need to get done. or maybe that was just my experience. ;o) and i'm not blaming anyone, either. at any time, i could have said "this is too much," "i can't handle it all, " or just simply said "no." but i kept taking things on and while i was involved in a myriad of important things, i felt like i had no purpose, like i was just trudging through until one day, it would be revealed and it would all make sense. but that day never came and i just got more and more frustrated, eventually feeling like i was killing the ministries that i led, all b/c i wasn't actively listening to God's call.

now, i know that i have a purpose. i am happiest dealing with an alzheimer's great-grandmother who usually doesn't remember my name; cleaning up puke after my poor beagle who has more health problems than any dog should have, while trying to make sure the other two dogs at least get fed and taken out twice a day (don't even ask me about the fish and the frog); assuring my foster child -- again -- that yes, i do love her, and that no, nothing else can change that, and then witnessing the attachment disorder rear its ugly head when she acts out b/c she doesn't believe me; and try to get my hyperactive spaz of a three-year old to maintain eye contact for more than two seconds whilst i explain that it's NOT okay to jump from the windowsills..... I am happier doing those things than I am doing almost anything else I can imagine.

and even in all that, i think BECAUSE of all of that, i am truly blessed. and i pray that God gives me more opportunities to parent foster children who need a safe place to land. I'm just sorry that i spent so much time trying to do it all instead of doing the one thing that i was meant to do.

nevertheless, i love my life and i love being a foster parent. i mean, really -- how much more perfectly planned-out could it have been to have an attachment disordered child who craves individual attention like no other and loves to repeat herself being paired with an alzheimer's patient who loves to have conversations but can't remember what you said two seconds ago? genius!!